I Was Devastated!

Hello, again,

I am not to sure how to start this blog.  It's been on my mind a lot over the last few days, but I wasn't sure how to approach this, so here we go . . .

If you haven't read my last blog, received a phone call from my husband, or my mother you may not know.  Our IVF attempt was not a success.  I received a call Tuesday around lunch time from the embryologist at Conceptions saying the embryos did not form to the blastocyst that we were expecting.  They were "stuck" in the stage I mentioned in On To Day 6.

I was devastated! 

I can't fully recall what was running through my mind except that I needed to leave.  I was already crying at my desk.  By the time I got my purse, locked my drawers and sent a message to my boss, I put myself together enough to make it to my car to call my husband.  He left early that morning for a business trip for 3 days so he wasn't going to be home.  I remembered thinking how difficult the next few days were going to be, knowing he was not going to be here. . .   Needless to say, I lost it when I heard his voice.  I had a hard time catching my breath as I was sobbing uncontrollably.  He did his best to try and get me to calm down, but he was feeling it too.  He knew I needed to just let go.  I can't say what he was feeling for sure, but I know he was as surprised and caught off guard as I was.

All I wanted was to get home, log in to my computer and work from home.  I wanted nothing to do with anyone.  I knew I was going to get texts, phone calls and emails asking for an update, so I'll be honest... I did NOT want to talk to anyone or see anyone.  I had to let one of my best friends know I didn't want her coming over, I just needed to be alone.  I have avoided conversation, confrontation and questions for the past 6 days, and I want everyone to know I am sorry.  Please do not take it personally, I have not been able to discuss the events that have taken place.  I have had to accept the feelings and the loss from this experience.  It is going to take time, so just bare with me.

I have received cards, flowers and an edible arrangement, and would like to thank you, thank you all!

We don't know what is next for us on this journey, but it is not over.

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

STOP

Stop putting your elbows at your waist, palms face up in the air with your eyebrows raised asking soooo??!?   It didn't happen.  No embryos, no baby!

STOP!

When you stop trying you'll get pregnant.  News Flash!!!  When you stop trying, you WILL NOT get pregnant.

STOP!!

Stop telling me to be patient!  I have been . . .

STOP!!!

Stop saying, "Just relax, It'll happen."  It would have by now.

STOP!!!!

Stop comparing your story to mine!  It's not the same.

STOP!!!!!

Stop looking at me like you pity me!  I don't want your pity.

STOP!!!!!!

Stop telling me to gain weight!  I have, and nothing.  Not even a healthy egg.  Not one . . .

STOP!!!!!!!

Stop saying you're sorry!  So am I . . . 

STOP!!!!!!!!

Stop mentioning how you're sick of women saying they're infertile.  I am, so go fuck yourself!

STOP!!!!!!!!!

Stop giving me advise on how to get pregnant, like keeping my legs in the air for 15 minutes.  I've tried! No baby.

STOP!!!!!!!!!!

Stop asking if we've thought of adoption! I mean, come on. . .

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop parading around your perfect little family, and the next one on the way.  And the one after that, and after that. . .  Like it doesn't hurt already.

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop saying, "Wait until you have children." Bitch, all I do is wait!

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop apologizing, stop trying to make it better, and stop saying anything!  Right now I just need to feel my pain and it's OK.  I will get through this . . .

On To Day 6!

Hello, again!

First off, I once again want to thank everyone for the love and support. I am blown away by the number of people that are really cheering us on, and sending their thoughts and well wishes.  As I mentioned in my first blog, Baby Makin Time, Sexy Time, IVF Time!, I am surrounded by love, and I felt that more in the last week than I ever expected.  I have received so many messages from family and friends awaiting the news, or an update on this blog for day 5.  If I haven't personally reached out to you, please be patient with me.  This entire experience has been such a roller coaster ride of emotions.  Not only for me, but my husband too.

It's day 5!  When I received the call on day 1, it was just before 8:00am, so I wasn't sure what my timeline was on day 3.  But by the time I went to sleep that night I felt a sense of calm...  No news, meant good news. . .

After attempting to stay relaxed and finding things to keep myself busy over the weekend, I wasn't prepared for the wait I had to take today.  It wasn't until 3:30 this afternoon that I got the call from the embryologist at Conceptions.  Well, it looks like we have to extend this growth to day 6.  You may be thinking what I initially thought, huh day 6?  Upon reviewing the monthly newsletter from Conceptions, sometimes it takes 6 days before the embryo reaches its blastocyst stage of development.  The call I received today confirmed that.  The embryologist told me anything can happen overnight, but for now this is our update.  One embryo may not be developing correctly.  They are not seeing the parts to the embryo that are key for the fetus and placenta.  The second is in early blastocyst stage, and she sounded confident this embryo will be ready for biopsy tomorrow.  The third is showing progression as though its day 4, not 5.  I was told that in some instances when the embryos are taken out of their artificial environment and carried to the microscope, that the little amount of time outside of the incubator can assist with pushing to the next stage.  With that said, it's time for bed.  Tomorrow is a new day.

Something is going to happen today that has never happened before and will never happen again!

It's day 1!

Hello, Hello!

It's day 1!  Yes, we're back to numbering each day.  Only this time it's not my IVF cycle, it's day 1 of the embryo cycle.

Yesterday I woke up, jumped in the shower, brushed my teeth and braided my hair.  I was ready within 20 minutes and I don't think that has ever happened before.  I never realized how quickly you can get ready if you don't put on makeup.  Of course I couldn't put on makeup, I was going in for my egg retrieval.  No makeup, perfume or anything that has a fragrance.  I had to keep reminding myself not to drink anything, because I kept going for the cupboard to get a glass for water, lol.  No food or drink after midnight, and I had a hearty meal before bed as instructed.  The drive to Conceptions was long and I kept looking at myself in the mirror.  We laughed because Mr. Blue Eyes reminded me of the months I went before exposing my natural skin to him, makeup free.  And there we were, driving down the highway before the sun was up and cracking up at how funny looking I was.

We got to conceptions early so we avoided missing my check in.  Check in time was 8:00am and retrieval was scheduled for 8:30am.  Our anesthesiologist Mr. Andrew Higgins M.D. greeted us open heartedly.  He sat with us for a few minutes talking about calculus and how much he hated it.  If you know us, you'll understand how that came up in a conversation.  We paid the man, I hugged and kissed my husband and I followed Higgins to my room.  The room was so welcoming, not the stuffy hospital room you would picture with surgery.  There were two oversized leather chairs, end tables and the "hospital" bed had a wood head and foot board.  Anyway, very cozy.  They brought a heater in for me since it was a bit chilly and the nurses wanted to ensure I was warm coming out from the retrieval.  

Once I changed in the gown (open in the back), Dr. Higgins brought me into the operation room.  I had to put the open in the back, because Higgins said if I had it open in the front we'd be meeting with the psych team, lol.  Anyway, bad joke.  I jumped onto the bed and covered myself with a blanket.  There were little vials (just like the ones from chemistry class) on a tray, an ultrasound machine, a cabinet FULL of drugs and a lot of other monitors and gadgets that I have never seen before.  I talked with Higgins and a nurse that was setting up about the beer festival that comes to Colorado once a year, wine country, and a dream I had a few days prior.  I told the story of a little girl that conducted my egg retrieval while I was wide awake, or at least I think I was awake.  I remember watching her from different angles, so I'd only assume.  Anyway, I said she was able to retrieve 7 eggs and that 5 would end up being mature.  Of course the nurse got a kick out of that dream, and commented on all the pink I was wearing.  Hmmm...  Right after the description of my dream I looked in the hallway and saw Claudia!  She peeked her head into the room to say hi.  She asked if I had taken pictures (of course I had) and said you've got this Nikki!

Soon after, Dr. Swanson (another doctor within the practice at Conceptions) walked in and introduced himself.  At that point they said ok it's time, and I looked to my left as Higgins was injecting a white substance into my IV, and then the room started spinning like I had a little to much to drink.  The next thing I remember is hearing someone tell me to wake up and I saw my best friend.  He was kissing my forehead, telling me how proud of me he was and asked how I was feeling.  Apparently I cried a little and became very talkative and complimentary.  I told the nurse how pretty she was and then wouldn't stop blabbing!  I was thirsty, oh man was I thirsty.  Finally she asked if we knew how many eggs they retrieved, and we answered no.  She said they got 7, and mentioned that she heard about the dream I had . . .  Oh my, was that a number I wanted to hear.  Lucky number 7!

Only a few minutes awake, and had to give a thumbs up!

It wouldn't be until later that day that we were told 4 of the 7 were mature eggs.  Today, Day 1, I got a call from the embryologist that 3 of the 4 eggs fertilized.  Right now the three that fertilized are called Zygotes.  On day three they turn into an eight cell embryo.  Day 5 is imperative, that's when they become Blastocysts (they are ready for transfer).  We will not be doing a day five transfer as some couples have opted to do.  We will be taking one single cell from each embryo, and then freeze them until we are ready for transfer.  The single cell will be sent to a lab to complete PGD (Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis) testing.  We'll get into this at another time.  

All I know is the next 4 days are going to be some of the longest days of my life.  Please keep your good thoughts and prayers coming my way.  They have been so powerful, thank you all!!!

It's Trigger Time!

Hello, Hello!

It's trigger time!  Wednesday morning at 8:30am will be my egg retrieval.  

Trigger is in the Gluteal Muscle

Please send your thoughts and prayers, we're going to need them.  Right now there may be six follicles to retrieve from, and two of them are already over matured, which leaves only four.  The doctor called me today and said even though there are follicles, he can't guarantee there are eggs.  That's why I'd like your thoughts and prayer over the next few days.  We've come this far, and I will not give up hope.  This IS going to happen!

My final night of injections!

I'm an Emotional Wreck!

Hello, again!

Ok so here we are, it's day 10 of my IVF cycle.  I thought I was tired, bloated, and soar a few days ago, but that day was nothing like today.  I'm an emotional wreck!  I have bruises on the inside of both elbows from the blood I have given every morning for the last 5 days.  My lower abdomen is tender to the touch, so I can't wear jeans and I'm running out of dresses to wear to work.  And honestly...  Anything can make me cry.  

Here I sit, a Saturday night, only minutes from giving myself 3 injections, yes, 3!  I woke up this morning at 6:00am to prepare the injections of Menopur, Saizen and Ganirelix.  We left at 6:45am and drove to the Littleton office of Conceptions for my daily ultrasound and blood work.  When we got home we napped for a few hours to try and catch up on some much needed sleep.  When we woke, Mr Blue Eyes left for a football game, and I stayed home to wait for my first refill to arrive.  When it arrived Sloan didn't know what to think...

The dreaded Box!

A few hours ago I got a call that the doctor wants me to add Ganirelix to my nightly injections.  I only have one, so tomorrow morning I have to get another from Conceptions, and thank god they keep a stash for emergencies.  Just incase you missed my last blog, or forgot all together, Ganirelix is the medication I'm taking to stop my body from ovulating.  I have two "leading" follicles that have reached pretty large sizes.  There is a grouping of five follicles that are trailing behind that we're trying to get to catch up, but in the meantime we are trying to save the larger follicles if possible and the Ganirelix should help.

The is the printout from today's ultrasound.

A few days ago we were instructed that Dr. Riggs wanted to meet with us to discuss the "what's next" in our journey.  There was a moment he was unsure on whether or not to advise us to continue my IVF cycle or look at the option of IUI.  IUI a.k.a. artificial insemination, was on the table for discussion as my follicle count was low as well as the sizes.  Of course the thought of this was not in our minds, as we went straight to IVF to avoid my tubes and any chance of another ectopic pregnancy.  The discussion was fairly quick, because by the time we sat down with our doctor the group of follicles trailing behind the leading two had grown to an optimistic size.  Dr. Riggs gave us the option, but his opinion was to continue my cycle and of course we both agreed.  We have made it this far and we did not want to give up.  We both felt with time and the right dosing of medication the grouping would get to where they need to be for a successful egg retrieval. 

Tomorrow morning we go in again for the next round of tests, and this time I predict I will be advised to take my trigger shot tomorrow night.  The trigger is injected 36 hours before egg retrieval and it's very critical it's taken at the precise moment they tell you to.  This is the final step in preparing my eggs for maturity.  I believe I currently have 5-6 follicles they are hoping to get eggs from.  Now as the doctor mentioned to us the other day, the larger follicles may be (in non-medical terms) over cooked, but hopefully the remaining follicles will produce mature eggs.  

Only a few more days to go before it's time!!!

I'm Not Riding the Crazy Train

Hello, Hello!

Oh my God, I am sooooo tired.  I'm not sure if it's the hormones or the lack of caffeine. It's been a week since I've had coffee, so at this point I think it's the hormones.  My belly is bloated, my arms have bruises and I have over a dozen holes in my stomach. According to my husband I'm not riding the crazy train like he was expecting, but I sure feel like I am.

Here we are on day 7 and let me tell you what...  I thought I was a human pin cushion before, whoa was I wrong.  This morning I gave myself 3 injections, Menapur, Saizen, and Ganirelix and I'm just about to get my evening dose of Gonal-F.  Not to mention the blood I gave this morning, but we'll get back to that. 

I want to make a shout out to my husband, Mr. Blue Eyes.  What a wonderful man he is!  He has been with me every step of the way, and wants to be as involved as he can.  He kept asking if he could give me an injection, and even though I get anxious giving it to myself I was hesitant to let him do it.  Well, two days ago I gave him his wish, I let him give me my evening injection.  What I couldn't believe was that I didn't feel the needle, but I sure felt the liquid invading my body.  I was so proud of him, and I'm so lucky that he wants to be involved in everything without me asking him to be.  Thank you sweetheart!

Ok, so back to my journey...  Yesterday morning I went in for my day 6 blood work and ultrasound.  This was the first of many mornings to observe the progress of the meds I'm injecting into my body.  The goal is to get 16 follicles that are at least 16mm a piece.  The minimum needed in order to proceed with the egg retrieval is 4 follicles at 16mm or larger.   Day 6 my right ovary had 2 follicles measuring at 6mm and 8mm, and my left had 3 measuring 7mm, 12mm, and 13mm.  After receiving more information about what we want to see, I'd say things were looking good.  Today is day 7, and again we went in for blood work and ultrasound.  The results, right ovary 3 follicles at 4mm, 8mm, 9mm, and the left with 4 follicles at 8mm, 9mm, 16mm, and 16mm.  All right, so far so good!!!

To ensure I don't ovulate I began a morning injection of Ganirelix.  This will help keep everything in place (stops ovulation) and allow more growth and maturity.  My dosage of Gonal-F was increased a bit to see if we can get more follicles to grow, but other than that everything will stay the same.  I go in tomorrow for the same thing, and at this point we're still anticipating a retrieval on the 29th or 30th.  

Thank you to everyone for the well wishes, prayers and thoughts.  Knowing I have so many people eager to walk with me on my journey means the world to me.  It helps keep my somewhat sane going down this path, so here we go...

Ok, It's official, the American Express can prove it!!!

Hello, again!

Ok, It's official, the American Express can prove it!!! I'm standing in my kitchen at the end of day 2 of my IVF cycle preparing my medication for day 3.  Can you believe it???  I want to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming, but when I check our Amex account, it shows the proof that it's real.  There's a VERY large balance on it.  I have waited 10 weeks for this moment, and I still can't believe it's here.  This is happening!  There's a lot of preparing to do, so walk along with me on my journey to see what's coming.

This is my protocol...

Starting tomorrow I will be giving myself two injections at 6:30am and one at 6:30pm, 1" below my belly button on either the right or left side of my tummy.  The first injection will be Menopur, an equal dose of FSH: helps increase egg production, and LH: assists with ovulation (https://www.ferringfertility.com/menopur/).  The second injection is Saizen, a human growth hormone.  Along side my injections I will be taking Citra Natal DHA (a prenatal vitamin), and Dexamethasone.  The 6:30pm injection is Gonal-F, the follicle stimulating hormone.  

This is what the next 3 days will be like for me.  All I have to say is thank God the first days of injections fall on a weekend, since I don't know how I'll be reacting to the hormonal take over that's coming.  I'm glad I'll be home just incase I go a little crazy, lol. (Like that hasn't already been happening.)  The fourth day I'll take the am injections, and then go into Conceptions for the next blood draw and ultrasound.  That afternoon I'll learn what my PM and AM doses will be for the next 24 hours.  That will be my journey for the 6 days following, so things could change at any moment.  As of today we're estimating my egg retrieval will be on the 29th or 30th of October.  YAY!!!!!

I have been on such an emotional roller coaster for months, and even though I received the news I've been wishing for since August I was a mess today.  I was laughing and crying through many parts of the day.  I'll be honest, I am scared to death.  I've seen pictures of women's stomachs with bruising caused by the injections.  Well, I have my first bruise.  Yep, the blood work that was taken this morning left a nice dime sized bruise on my arm.  I'm starting to think it's a good thing it's fall, so I can cover the "tracks" that'll be present on my arms from the blood work with sweaters.  Regardless of the fears I have behind the injections, I cried so many happy tears today.  I am soooo looking forward to what is coming.

Let's Start The Journey!

Hello, Hello!!

Wow, can you believe it's been over 2 weeks since my last blog?  I can't.  I felt like I was on a roll with keeping up-to-date with my journey, but honestly I didn't know what to write or where to start.  

As you know I was not able to begin my IVF cycle once again, since I was still housing cysts outside of my egg makers.  We went to my doctor a few weeks ago to discuss what was next, and to see if the cysts would affect moving forward with an IVF cycle.  Well, some good news was Dr. Riggs told us he did not want to go in surgically to remove them.  One reason being they weren't large enough... Ha, seriously?!?!!  Another reason, one that I haven't mentioned before, is my egg health.  Over the summer I was tested on day 3 of my cycle for my AMH level.  AMH = Anti-Mullerian Hormone, testing of ovarian reserve.  This is a hormone that assists with follicle growth... making an egg.  According to this test, I tested low for ovarian reserve, aka, poor/low egg health.  With this said, my doctor is trying to avoid going anywhere near my ovaries until the day of egg retrieval.  As I mentioned in my last blog, The Devil's Pill, I was put back on birth control.  This time he chose the Nuva Ring, hoping the hormones would create better results by actually clearing away the cysts.  The plan turned into, you guessed it, another waiting game.  Dr. Riggs wanted us to come back in two weeks to have another ultra sound, hoping for some good news.

Here I am, two weeks later and guess what???  I'm cyst free!

Instead of going through another cycle to test for my surge, we're going to go for it.  All I need is my IVF nurse to send me my IVF forecast (it's a plan with the dates and medication amounts to prepare for my egg retrieval) and let me know when to remove the Nuva Ring.  Since we already know the cysts are gone, I will be able to start and successfully complete my IVF cycle.

As I have said before, sit back, relax and remember... be patient.  Let's start the journey!

Dr. Riggs!

The Devil's Pill

Hello!

I have spent days pondering what I was going to write...

Here we are, approaching the end of September and everything seems even further away than it did a few months ago.  The last blog I posted was Want Some Good News? and now I'm sitting here wishing I had some.

So... I did go through 3 days of AM injections of Ganirelix, twice a day dose of Estradiol "estrogen", and then it happened...  I started my cycle.  This is what we've been waiting for again, right!??  Knowing it was going to work this time, no cysts, no bad news...

I won't keep avoiding this any longer.  Yes...  That is the answer to the question you've been thinking since you started reading this.  Yes, the cysts are still there.  Well, actually now there is one really big cyst and I have a new one growing on the left ovary.  Yay!!!  Ya right.  If you were to look at the Mayo Clinic website and do your research on cysts and ovary size, you'll learn that an ovary is about the size and shape of an almond.  So the following picture will give you a perspective of what I'm dealing with (on the right side).

The cyst was measured at just below 4cm, however the "good" news is the one found on my left ovary is small so nothing to worry about.  Wait, what??  Nothing to worry about?  That's how this one started, you know they have to be small before they get big!!  Let's just hope I don't get punched in the gut any time soon, because it'll hurt worse than the blow itself.

With all this said, I have once again been advised not to go forward with the IVF cycle I had started AGAIN.  I was originally wanting to post my next blog after my day 2 check-up, so I'd be able to share how excited, yet nervous I was that the retrieval was just a few weeks away.  Instead, I am here days later writing about the bad news, again...

Next week Mr. Blue Eyes and I will be meeting with Dr. Riggs to discuss what our options are moving forward.  Will they decide to surgically go in and release the fluid in the cyst, or remove it all together.  Another possibility may be to just wait it out again.  You know, put me on birth control "the devil's pill", and hope the ever changing hormone levels will make that sucker disappear on its own.  

For now I wait; drained, pissed, irritated, upset, sad, baffled and emotional.  I could keep going, but I think you get my gist.  The morning of the checkup we knew of the cysts and the size, so the hours following were like watching the same movie in slow motion, over, and over, and over, and over...  It wasn't until the call that the truth really hit me.  I received confirmation that we were to stop any medications I was taking and that Dr. Riggs wanted us to meet with him; as well as put me back on progestin and estrogen.  The first time I took the same call back in August, my stomach sank and I felt helpless.  This time, knowing it was coming again I thought I had prepared myself, but I was wrong.  I barely made it to my car before bursting into tears.  I grabbed my things and walked as quickly as I could, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone I may pass.  That was difficult, because I past a beautiful, kind friend that I work with who knows of my "situation".  I wanted to lose it then and there, but I kept walking without looking back.  I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, cry until there was nothing left to fall out of my tear ducts.  Instead, I went to the grocery store and bought a pint of Ben & Jerry's FroYo Half Baked...

Want Some Good News?

Hello, Hello!

Want some good news?  I did it, I surged! 

I had fear run through me that something was trying to tell me, it's just not going to happen.  Nerves were knotting up my stomach, and all I wanted to do was cry.  My IVF nurse encouraged me to continue testing and what do you know, I got that "static" smiley face.  What's funny about it, I almost forgot I took the test.  Some time had passed before I remembered to check that little white stick, and when I did I gasped.  I was shocked, happy and anxious all at once.  I sure am glad I kept testing, so I didn't have to wait another cycle to pass before starting over again.

I had almost forgotten I was Signing Myself up to Become a Human Pin cushion! The next morning I went in for my LH level to be tested, to be sure I had surged.  The test came back showing indeed I had!  Oh my...  When I went to get my blood drawn I thought I was past any squeamishness about that, but I was wrong.  This happened to be the first time I was not able to watch it happen.  You're probably thinking, 'Wait, what... You watch it?'  And my response is, "Yes.  Yes I do."

I don't think it's the needles I'm afraid of, I believe it's the substance within the syringe.  I cringe at the thought of getting a flu shot, or other necessary vaccinations.  On the other hand, I don't mind getting tattoos or giving blood.  I have always watched the act itself, until now.  As I mentioned, for the first time EVER, I couldn't watch.  I hope this will pass, because it's about to get crazy all over again.  In less than a week I'll be injecting myself, preparing my body for the IVF cycle I WILL be going through.

...

Every blog I write you'll notice I have a picture, a quote or a video within.  I wait until I've completed my writing before I begin my search.  As you've probably noticed I like to keep some humor within, for I enjoy it and truly believe I have to.  Without the humor, there's no laughing, and you can't handle something like this without laughing.  There are times though when taking a more serious approach is more appropriate, and today is one of those days.  I found a song that I wasn't expecting to find.  Prepare yourself.  If you're going through this yourself or you know me and you're walking along with me during this journey ,you may want to grab a Kleenex. 

It's OK For Me to Get Frustrated

Hello, Hello!

If you've wanted to know some of the frustrations I have while going through this IVF journey, here's your chance.  Just keep reading because unfortunately I have a few to list off.

I've spent the last 30 hours wondering if I've missed my surge, or worse, did it even happen?  My first day of testing I saw an open circle.  The second day a flashing smiley face, and the third, again, a flashing face.  I was certain on the fourth day I'd see my "static" smiley, but what I wasn't prepared to see was another open circle.  Yes, you read that right.  What is going on?  

I lose my first opportunity to begin my IVF cycle due to some inconvenient intruders to my ovaries.  I find out I will no longer have my favorite IVF nurse (I'll get back to that), and now i miss my surge...  I know I'll have a few people come to me and say 'It's ok', 'don't give up' and even 'you're reading to much into it.'  My response to that is, "It's OK for me to get frustrated."  This is not easy, and it has not been painless.  Some people may think that I would be used to it at this point, I mean come on, it's already been 3 years.  I know I've made that comment too, but it doesn't mean I don't think about how truly difficult it is and has been.  

I was just thinking about a conversation I had with my neighbor 2 years ago when I found out she was pregnant with number two.  She told me there was a moment that she got nervous and was about to see a specialist after they had tried for 2 months and nothing happened, because the first pregnancy happened exactly as they had planned.  Really?  Two months?  I remember feeling my stomach hit the ground, because at that point it had been over a year and we still hadn't seen a fertility specialist.  I never imagined I'd be sitting here today, two years later still hoping my plan had worked.  I've had a few people tell me it frustrates them hearing women get upset after just a few months, but just like my neighbor I remember feeling the pain after the first month of trying.  Needless to say, whether it's been one month or 5 years, it's still difficult.  After attending the IVF class, I learned that one in three couples are considered infertile today.  That's increased from one in seven only 15 years ago.  I don't even want to think what that statistic will be in 10 years...

I want to circle back to a comment I made in my third paragraph, regarding my favorite IVF nurse.  Shortly after the discovery of the cysts I had communication with Claudia about her assisting with the transfer team after losing an employee there.  I knew she had other IVF nurses helping with her patients, but I was hoping by the time I was back on track that she'd be there to walk with me.  Well...  I discovered a few weeks ago that she will remain on the transfer team, so in the meantime I have some new relationships to form.  The blog from last month about Claudia, You Can Do This!!! :), mentions how some people seem to be doing what they were born to do.  I still firmly believe that, and I am trying not to let myself get upset over this transition, but it is difficult.  I am concentrating on the future, knowing that my friend will be by my side as I prepare for the transfer part of my journey.  Until then, I am waiting, waiting for some good news...

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Hello, again!

I was cruising through Pinterest one day and came across this...  I don't know if the timing could have been better,

I don't know who the author is to give credit, but whoever she is... Thank you!

IT'S OVER!!

Hello, Hello!

Do you remember the beginning of UP?  Pretty hard to forget it if you have seen the movie, but even harder if you've gone through something like this.  I will say, what an amazing man!  Someone that will stand by your side through it all, and still be happy.  As I've said before, don't forget the person that's right next to you every night.  They are as much a part of this as you!

You may be asking, 'What is this about?'  Well, I have laughed a lot the last few days and it's all because of the man that I said "I DO!" to.  We haven't done much over this holiday weekend other than work and school, but we have made sure to take the minutes between each paragraph or new bid to say, 'I love you!'  We decided to take a few hours away and see Guardians of the Galaxy at the IMAX 3D, and we laughed from beginning to end.  

The last month hasn't been easy for us.  It is not having to wait another 60 days before beginning Ganirelix again, it's the outrages mood swings my hormones have been swirling me through.  In an attempt to balance the chemicals in my body and rid the cysts, I was put on birth control.  Something I'm not accustomed to taking, and I have never had a good experience while on it.  This time was no different, but you know what???  IT'S OVER!! Woohoo!!!!  

As I said before the next step is peeing on a stick, but it's coming...  The contents of The Box! will appear again in no time!

"Something is going to happen today, that has never happened before, and will never happen again."

Hello, again!

"Something is going to happen today, that has never happened before, and will never happen again."  Those are the words that my grandmother used to say to me.  Today was a day I needed to hear them spoken from her.

Not every day is a good day, and I know it's ok.  It's alright to feel sad or upset, but it will get better if you admit something's wrong.  Sometimes you just need to say what you're feeling, no matter what.

I find it funny how I'm sitting here writing about having an off day, and my Mr. blue eyes is sitting in the chair beside me watching a collection of videos of Mike Tyson's TKO's.  Seems ironic to me, don't ya think?  I'm not saying I want to knock someone out, only that I see the irony in watching someone fall.  That's how I felt today.

Today I learned when I will begin my surge testing again.  I know, I wondered what that meant as well.  It's the time your body begins it's ovulation cycle.  The high tech tests they have available nowadays are digital and can remember the first day you turn it on.  If you're still unsure what I'm talking about, it's the little white and purple stick you pee on, and wait for the day it has a "constant" smiley face.  I say constant because with my first experience in July I saw a smiley face, but it was flashing.  The instructions get a bit deceiving since it shows a smiley face, but one with a design around it and yet another by itself.  "What do you do when it blinks?" I asked myself.  Well... That's what the three layers of lines indicate, blinking.

I'm not to this point yet, but it's coming.  For now, it's back to the waiting game.  

I saw some newborn pictures today of twins, a boy and a girl.  It's incredible how emotional you can becoming by looking at some photos.  Photos of two beautiful miracles, born at 3.5 lbs each.  It's funny that a few pictures can touch you in a way you didn't think possible, but it is.

"Something is going to happen today, that has never happened before, and will never happen again."

We're Just Getting Started...

Hello, Again!

Yes, it’s been a while since my last blog.  My only excuse is school, but I think that’s an acceptable one.  Making the decision to take one class this semester was a good one, because so far it’s making this time go by so quickly.  So let’s get back to our journey.

My last blog "YOU CAN DO THIS!!! :)" , mentioned the first injection I gave myself.  This injection was given in the morning for a 3 day span to assist with starting my IVF cycle.  The cycle begins with day 1 of becoming a warrior (I’ve always loved that description), and day 2 consists of another office visit to draw blood and get an ultrasound to check out the lining of the uterus, and make sure there are no cysts present.  If there are, they have to measure them and look into your blood results for any concerns that may deter you from moving forward with egg retrieval.    Let’s stop there for a minute…

I woke up early on the 4^th of August, as I always do during the week (4:30ish).   I was excited, anxious and wishing I had followed through with thoughts of starting a blog to record my experience, because I was about to leave for my “Day 2” appointment.  This was it; I was going in for my first round of blood testing and ultrasounds leading up to my egg retrieval.  I vowed I was going to follow their list of do’s and don’ts for the next few weeks.  No excessive sun exposure, caffeine, alcohol, weight lifting or cardio, light on the meats and so on.  What I didn’t plan for was what I would feel if I didn’t get good results, and that’s exactly what happened.  My wonderful husband came with me to the 15 minute appointment, so he saw them too.  I had two large cysts on my right ovary.  We didn’t panic; we asked questions.  The wonderful girl that was completing the procedure explained the results would be looked over by the doctor, so not to worry or make any assumptions.  She said cysts are more common than anyone realizes, they come and go unnoticed all the time.  I followed suit and didn’t fret, but a few hours later I received the call.  Claudia, bless her heart, relayed the news to me.  Due to the size of the cysts and my estrogen levels I was advised not to go forward with the current cycle, and push it back two months.  Are you kidding me?  I will never forget what it felt like when my stomach sank to the floor.  At that moment I felt hopeless.  I was in a confined hallway at work, surrounded by rows of movable filing cabinets, and dropped onto a stack of cardboard boxes that were piled on one another between two shelves.  I wanted to cry...  I wanted to run away from everything, wondering why this?  Why now?  What else is going to get in my way of giving birth to my own child?

I can't really explain what changed, but when I did leave work and sat in my car, something inside me felt different.  I remember thinking, 'Everything's going to be alright'.  A few hours before that I anticipated the tears running down my face the moment I made it to my car, but that didn't happen.  Before I got too ahead of myself I wanted to make sure that I wasn't bottling everything up, so I started my phone calls.  Of course I called my husband and talked to him more about the news, and you know what?  I didn't cry.  I called our families and said to each of them, "I've already waited 3 years, what's another 2 months?"

When I finally saw my husband I gave him a huge hug and I had a smile on my face.  He looked at me and said he expected me to be really upset.  I said to him obviously my body was telling me it had to be ready, and for whatever the reason it wasn't yet.  We could have tried to go forward with the cycle, but most likely I'd be feeding all the meds right into the cysts, instead of my ovaries.  Then it would have all been for nothing; like I'd be flushing the medication down the toilet.  Instead, I can find the best in the situation and use that to my benefit.  I thought about that morning when I was getting ready for the day thinking, 'I wish I had started a blog.' 

Upon starting this process I searched for discussion boards, blogs and groups that could link me to other women going through a similar situation.  I was looking for that comfort and reassurance I felt I was missing.  I didn’t feel that anyone fully understood what we were going through.  Yes, I have always had great support and optimistic people in my life, but I didn’t know what I was getting myself into, nor did anyone around me.  It was difficult to relay my feelings, thoughts and opinion about going through IVF with my family and friends.  Honestly,  I started keeping my story to myself more often than not and that's what hurt the most.  It's not healthy keeping your emotions bottled up, and I knew if I wrote about it I would begin to heal myself on the inside.  I couldn't find what I was looking for online to fill my void of the unknown, so I thought I would put it out there.  If someone happened upon it and wanted to read it, great.  If not, that too was great.  I was going to tell a story, my story.  If it touches your heart like it has mine, this has been a success!!!  Your story is just as precious and I love hearing them, so thank you!  Now walk with me some more, we're just getting started...