The Devil's Pill

Hello!

I have spent days pondering what I was going to write...

Here we are, approaching the end of September and everything seems even further away than it did a few months ago.  The last blog I posted was Want Some Good News? and now I'm sitting here wishing I had some.

So... I did go through 3 days of AM injections of Ganirelix, twice a day dose of Estradiol "estrogen", and then it happened...  I started my cycle.  This is what we've been waiting for again, right!??  Knowing it was going to work this time, no cysts, no bad news...

I won't keep avoiding this any longer.  Yes...  That is the answer to the question you've been thinking since you started reading this.  Yes, the cysts are still there.  Well, actually now there is one really big cyst and I have a new one growing on the left ovary.  Yay!!!  Ya right.  If you were to look at the Mayo Clinic website and do your research on cysts and ovary size, you'll learn that an ovary is about the size and shape of an almond.  So the following picture will give you a perspective of what I'm dealing with (on the right side).

The cyst was measured at just below 4cm, however the "good" news is the one found on my left ovary is small so nothing to worry about.  Wait, what??  Nothing to worry about?  That's how this one started, you know they have to be small before they get big!!  Let's just hope I don't get punched in the gut any time soon, because it'll hurt worse than the blow itself.

With all this said, I have once again been advised not to go forward with the IVF cycle I had started AGAIN.  I was originally wanting to post my next blog after my day 2 check-up, so I'd be able to share how excited, yet nervous I was that the retrieval was just a few weeks away.  Instead, I am here days later writing about the bad news, again...

Next week Mr. Blue Eyes and I will be meeting with Dr. Riggs to discuss what our options are moving forward.  Will they decide to surgically go in and release the fluid in the cyst, or remove it all together.  Another possibility may be to just wait it out again.  You know, put me on birth control "the devil's pill", and hope the ever changing hormone levels will make that sucker disappear on its own.  

For now I wait; drained, pissed, irritated, upset, sad, baffled and emotional.  I could keep going, but I think you get my gist.  The morning of the checkup we knew of the cysts and the size, so the hours following were like watching the same movie in slow motion, over, and over, and over, and over...  It wasn't until the call that the truth really hit me.  I received confirmation that we were to stop any medications I was taking and that Dr. Riggs wanted us to meet with him; as well as put me back on progestin and estrogen.  The first time I took the same call back in August, my stomach sank and I felt helpless.  This time, knowing it was coming again I thought I had prepared myself, but I was wrong.  I barely made it to my car before bursting into tears.  I grabbed my things and walked as quickly as I could, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone I may pass.  That was difficult, because I past a beautiful, kind friend that I work with who knows of my "situation".  I wanted to lose it then and there, but I kept walking without looking back.  I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, cry until there was nothing left to fall out of my tear ducts.  Instead, I went to the grocery store and bought a pint of Ben & Jerry's FroYo Half Baked...