We're Just Getting Started...

Hello, Again!

Yes, it’s been a while since my last blog.  My only excuse is school, but I think that’s an acceptable one.  Making the decision to take one class this semester was a good one, because so far it’s making this time go by so quickly.  So let’s get back to our journey.

My last blog "YOU CAN DO THIS!!! :)" , mentioned the first injection I gave myself.  This injection was given in the morning for a 3 day span to assist with starting my IVF cycle.  The cycle begins with day 1 of becoming a warrior (I’ve always loved that description), and day 2 consists of another office visit to draw blood and get an ultrasound to check out the lining of the uterus, and make sure there are no cysts present.  If there are, they have to measure them and look into your blood results for any concerns that may deter you from moving forward with egg retrieval.    Let’s stop there for a minute…

I woke up early on the 4^th of August, as I always do during the week (4:30ish).   I was excited, anxious and wishing I had followed through with thoughts of starting a blog to record my experience, because I was about to leave for my “Day 2” appointment.  This was it; I was going in for my first round of blood testing and ultrasounds leading up to my egg retrieval.  I vowed I was going to follow their list of do’s and don’ts for the next few weeks.  No excessive sun exposure, caffeine, alcohol, weight lifting or cardio, light on the meats and so on.  What I didn’t plan for was what I would feel if I didn’t get good results, and that’s exactly what happened.  My wonderful husband came with me to the 15 minute appointment, so he saw them too.  I had two large cysts on my right ovary.  We didn’t panic; we asked questions.  The wonderful girl that was completing the procedure explained the results would be looked over by the doctor, so not to worry or make any assumptions.  She said cysts are more common than anyone realizes, they come and go unnoticed all the time.  I followed suit and didn’t fret, but a few hours later I received the call.  Claudia, bless her heart, relayed the news to me.  Due to the size of the cysts and my estrogen levels I was advised not to go forward with the current cycle, and push it back two months.  Are you kidding me?  I will never forget what it felt like when my stomach sank to the floor.  At that moment I felt hopeless.  I was in a confined hallway at work, surrounded by rows of movable filing cabinets, and dropped onto a stack of cardboard boxes that were piled on one another between two shelves.  I wanted to cry...  I wanted to run away from everything, wondering why this?  Why now?  What else is going to get in my way of giving birth to my own child?

I can't really explain what changed, but when I did leave work and sat in my car, something inside me felt different.  I remember thinking, 'Everything's going to be alright'.  A few hours before that I anticipated the tears running down my face the moment I made it to my car, but that didn't happen.  Before I got too ahead of myself I wanted to make sure that I wasn't bottling everything up, so I started my phone calls.  Of course I called my husband and talked to him more about the news, and you know what?  I didn't cry.  I called our families and said to each of them, "I've already waited 3 years, what's another 2 months?"

When I finally saw my husband I gave him a huge hug and I had a smile on my face.  He looked at me and said he expected me to be really upset.  I said to him obviously my body was telling me it had to be ready, and for whatever the reason it wasn't yet.  We could have tried to go forward with the cycle, but most likely I'd be feeding all the meds right into the cysts, instead of my ovaries.  Then it would have all been for nothing; like I'd be flushing the medication down the toilet.  Instead, I can find the best in the situation and use that to my benefit.  I thought about that morning when I was getting ready for the day thinking, 'I wish I had started a blog.' 

Upon starting this process I searched for discussion boards, blogs and groups that could link me to other women going through a similar situation.  I was looking for that comfort and reassurance I felt I was missing.  I didn’t feel that anyone fully understood what we were going through.  Yes, I have always had great support and optimistic people in my life, but I didn’t know what I was getting myself into, nor did anyone around me.  It was difficult to relay my feelings, thoughts and opinion about going through IVF with my family and friends.  Honestly,  I started keeping my story to myself more often than not and that's what hurt the most.  It's not healthy keeping your emotions bottled up, and I knew if I wrote about it I would begin to heal myself on the inside.  I couldn't find what I was looking for online to fill my void of the unknown, so I thought I would put it out there.  If someone happened upon it and wanted to read it, great.  If not, that too was great.  I was going to tell a story, my story.  If it touches your heart like it has mine, this has been a success!!!  Your story is just as precious and I love hearing them, so thank you!  Now walk with me some more, we're just getting started...