The Box!

Hello!

Welcome back, back to exploring the unknown with me.  The unknown world of IVF, or at least the one no one ever writes about, until now ;-)!

Let's go back to our time frame.  Our IVF journey will take 12-15 months before we experience our end result; becoming parents.  I remember thinking, 'Wait a minute, isn't 38-40 weeks a healthy pregnancy?'  Yet now I'm hearing it's going to be 48-60 weeks.  What I didn't take into consideration, (again, you don't hear about this in those casual conversations you have) was all the diagnostic testing and hormonal take over that has to happen before your cycle can begin.  The cycle being the 2-3 week period of intense medications to prepare the follicles in your ovaries for mature egg growth, and then egg retrieval.

The days following our last visit with Dr. Riggs I received the supplements they wanted me to start, DHEA and CoQ10.  I went back a few weeks later to have my blood drawn (I told you... Human pin cushion) and it seemed my body was taking to the new substances very well, for my levels rose quicker than anticipated.  The next step was going to be 'taking over my cycle' as my husband referred to it.  The one time I was able to use the ovulation kit without having to hide it, as I had mentioned I did in, Hysterosalpingogram, Wait!! What the ...???.  Once they (being the IVF staff) had my hormone levels where they needed to be and had an idea when ovulation was occurring, I would begin my medications.

Of course before this could begin I had to receive them, right?  And oh man... Did I receive them...

Let's take a moment and reflect, reflect what the purpose of this is going to be.  I want more than anything to be a mom, to raise my children with my best friend by my side.  I want to pick baby names, pick who is going to watch our children for the first time we want to have a romantic dinner out...  I could go on, but I think you get my point.

Now, back to the substance that's taking over my table.  I was at work when I received 'The Box'.  The box that was big enough to fit two cases of wine.  Yes, there were packing materials and a large silver bag with a cold compress for the meds that were meant to be refrigerated, but come on, seriously?  I was in shock, because never in my wildest dreams could I have prepared myself for this.  It was all beginning to make sense.  This is why the little packet of IVF information recommended you try to stay stress free, look into acupuncture and find support groups.  As I mentioned before, I'm already a very emotional person, but once I took an inventory of the contents of the box, I lost it.  I took this picture and sat in a chair with my face in my hands and wept. 

That was the moment all of my emotions came flooding out.  Everything surfaced at once, after trying so hard to be strong.  I was doing what I could to stay away from stress and focus on taking care of me, but it didn't seem it had worked...  All because of The Box!  

I was feeling so sad, angry, disappointed and hopeless.  I knew I needed to talk about it, so I picked up the phone and called my mother.  She didn't say much, but when she did (I don't even remember what she said) everything made sense.  My tears began to fade, and I remembered yet again why I was on this journey.  I wanted to have the chance to help my child make all of the pain go away.  Even if it was just to listen and not say anything at all, only to see a smile or hear the joy in their voice.  That's what mothers do!