The Devil's Pill

Hello!

I have spent days pondering what I was going to write...

Here we are, approaching the end of September and everything seems even further away than it did a few months ago.  The last blog I posted was Want Some Good News? and now I'm sitting here wishing I had some.

So... I did go through 3 days of AM injections of Ganirelix, twice a day dose of Estradiol "estrogen", and then it happened...  I started my cycle.  This is what we've been waiting for again, right!??  Knowing it was going to work this time, no cysts, no bad news...

I won't keep avoiding this any longer.  Yes...  That is the answer to the question you've been thinking since you started reading this.  Yes, the cysts are still there.  Well, actually now there is one really big cyst and I have a new one growing on the left ovary.  Yay!!!  Ya right.  If you were to look at the Mayo Clinic website and do your research on cysts and ovary size, you'll learn that an ovary is about the size and shape of an almond.  So the following picture will give you a perspective of what I'm dealing with (on the right side).

The cyst was measured at just below 4cm, however the "good" news is the one found on my left ovary is small so nothing to worry about.  Wait, what??  Nothing to worry about?  That's how this one started, you know they have to be small before they get big!!  Let's just hope I don't get punched in the gut any time soon, because it'll hurt worse than the blow itself.

With all this said, I have once again been advised not to go forward with the IVF cycle I had started AGAIN.  I was originally wanting to post my next blog after my day 2 check-up, so I'd be able to share how excited, yet nervous I was that the retrieval was just a few weeks away.  Instead, I am here days later writing about the bad news, again...

Next week Mr. Blue Eyes and I will be meeting with Dr. Riggs to discuss what our options are moving forward.  Will they decide to surgically go in and release the fluid in the cyst, or remove it all together.  Another possibility may be to just wait it out again.  You know, put me on birth control "the devil's pill", and hope the ever changing hormone levels will make that sucker disappear on its own.  

For now I wait; drained, pissed, irritated, upset, sad, baffled and emotional.  I could keep going, but I think you get my gist.  The morning of the checkup we knew of the cysts and the size, so the hours following were like watching the same movie in slow motion, over, and over, and over, and over...  It wasn't until the call that the truth really hit me.  I received confirmation that we were to stop any medications I was taking and that Dr. Riggs wanted us to meet with him; as well as put me back on progestin and estrogen.  The first time I took the same call back in August, my stomach sank and I felt helpless.  This time, knowing it was coming again I thought I had prepared myself, but I was wrong.  I barely made it to my car before bursting into tears.  I grabbed my things and walked as quickly as I could, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone I may pass.  That was difficult, because I past a beautiful, kind friend that I work with who knows of my "situation".  I wanted to lose it then and there, but I kept walking without looking back.  I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, cry until there was nothing left to fall out of my tear ducts.  Instead, I went to the grocery store and bought a pint of Ben & Jerry's FroYo Half Baked...

Want Some Good News?

Hello, Hello!

Want some good news?  I did it, I surged! 

I had fear run through me that something was trying to tell me, it's just not going to happen.  Nerves were knotting up my stomach, and all I wanted to do was cry.  My IVF nurse encouraged me to continue testing and what do you know, I got that "static" smiley face.  What's funny about it, I almost forgot I took the test.  Some time had passed before I remembered to check that little white stick, and when I did I gasped.  I was shocked, happy and anxious all at once.  I sure am glad I kept testing, so I didn't have to wait another cycle to pass before starting over again.

I had almost forgotten I was Signing Myself up to Become a Human Pin cushion! The next morning I went in for my LH level to be tested, to be sure I had surged.  The test came back showing indeed I had!  Oh my...  When I went to get my blood drawn I thought I was past any squeamishness about that, but I was wrong.  This happened to be the first time I was not able to watch it happen.  You're probably thinking, 'Wait, what... You watch it?'  And my response is, "Yes.  Yes I do."

I don't think it's the needles I'm afraid of, I believe it's the substance within the syringe.  I cringe at the thought of getting a flu shot, or other necessary vaccinations.  On the other hand, I don't mind getting tattoos or giving blood.  I have always watched the act itself, until now.  As I mentioned, for the first time EVER, I couldn't watch.  I hope this will pass, because it's about to get crazy all over again.  In less than a week I'll be injecting myself, preparing my body for the IVF cycle I WILL be going through.

...

Every blog I write you'll notice I have a picture, a quote or a video within.  I wait until I've completed my writing before I begin my search.  As you've probably noticed I like to keep some humor within, for I enjoy it and truly believe I have to.  Without the humor, there's no laughing, and you can't handle something like this without laughing.  There are times though when taking a more serious approach is more appropriate, and today is one of those days.  I found a song that I wasn't expecting to find.  Prepare yourself.  If you're going through this yourself or you know me and you're walking along with me during this journey ,you may want to grab a Kleenex. 

It's OK For Me to Get Frustrated

Hello, Hello!

If you've wanted to know some of the frustrations I have while going through this IVF journey, here's your chance.  Just keep reading because unfortunately I have a few to list off.

I've spent the last 30 hours wondering if I've missed my surge, or worse, did it even happen?  My first day of testing I saw an open circle.  The second day a flashing smiley face, and the third, again, a flashing face.  I was certain on the fourth day I'd see my "static" smiley, but what I wasn't prepared to see was another open circle.  Yes, you read that right.  What is going on?  

I lose my first opportunity to begin my IVF cycle due to some inconvenient intruders to my ovaries.  I find out I will no longer have my favorite IVF nurse (I'll get back to that), and now i miss my surge...  I know I'll have a few people come to me and say 'It's ok', 'don't give up' and even 'you're reading to much into it.'  My response to that is, "It's OK for me to get frustrated."  This is not easy, and it has not been painless.  Some people may think that I would be used to it at this point, I mean come on, it's already been 3 years.  I know I've made that comment too, but it doesn't mean I don't think about how truly difficult it is and has been.  

I was just thinking about a conversation I had with my neighbor 2 years ago when I found out she was pregnant with number two.  She told me there was a moment that she got nervous and was about to see a specialist after they had tried for 2 months and nothing happened, because the first pregnancy happened exactly as they had planned.  Really?  Two months?  I remember feeling my stomach hit the ground, because at that point it had been over a year and we still hadn't seen a fertility specialist.  I never imagined I'd be sitting here today, two years later still hoping my plan had worked.  I've had a few people tell me it frustrates them hearing women get upset after just a few months, but just like my neighbor I remember feeling the pain after the first month of trying.  Needless to say, whether it's been one month or 5 years, it's still difficult.  After attending the IVF class, I learned that one in three couples are considered infertile today.  That's increased from one in seven only 15 years ago.  I don't even want to think what that statistic will be in 10 years...

I want to circle back to a comment I made in my third paragraph, regarding my favorite IVF nurse.  Shortly after the discovery of the cysts I had communication with Claudia about her assisting with the transfer team after losing an employee there.  I knew she had other IVF nurses helping with her patients, but I was hoping by the time I was back on track that she'd be there to walk with me.  Well...  I discovered a few weeks ago that she will remain on the transfer team, so in the meantime I have some new relationships to form.  The blog from last month about Claudia, You Can Do This!!! :), mentions how some people seem to be doing what they were born to do.  I still firmly believe that, and I am trying not to let myself get upset over this transition, but it is difficult.  I am concentrating on the future, knowing that my friend will be by my side as I prepare for the transfer part of my journey.  Until then, I am waiting, waiting for some good news...

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Hello, again!

I was cruising through Pinterest one day and came across this...  I don't know if the timing could have been better,

I don't know who the author is to give credit, but whoever she is... Thank you!

IT'S OVER!!

Hello, Hello!

Do you remember the beginning of UP?  Pretty hard to forget it if you have seen the movie, but even harder if you've gone through something like this.  I will say, what an amazing man!  Someone that will stand by your side through it all, and still be happy.  As I've said before, don't forget the person that's right next to you every night.  They are as much a part of this as you!

You may be asking, 'What is this about?'  Well, I have laughed a lot the last few days and it's all because of the man that I said "I DO!" to.  We haven't done much over this holiday weekend other than work and school, but we have made sure to take the minutes between each paragraph or new bid to say, 'I love you!'  We decided to take a few hours away and see Guardians of the Galaxy at the IMAX 3D, and we laughed from beginning to end.  

The last month hasn't been easy for us.  It is not having to wait another 60 days before beginning Ganirelix again, it's the outrages mood swings my hormones have been swirling me through.  In an attempt to balance the chemicals in my body and rid the cysts, I was put on birth control.  Something I'm not accustomed to taking, and I have never had a good experience while on it.  This time was no different, but you know what???  IT'S OVER!! Woohoo!!!!  

As I said before the next step is peeing on a stick, but it's coming...  The contents of The Box! will appear again in no time!

"Something is going to happen today, that has never happened before, and will never happen again."

Hello, again!

"Something is going to happen today, that has never happened before, and will never happen again."  Those are the words that my grandmother used to say to me.  Today was a day I needed to hear them spoken from her.

Not every day is a good day, and I know it's ok.  It's alright to feel sad or upset, but it will get better if you admit something's wrong.  Sometimes you just need to say what you're feeling, no matter what.

I find it funny how I'm sitting here writing about having an off day, and my Mr. blue eyes is sitting in the chair beside me watching a collection of videos of Mike Tyson's TKO's.  Seems ironic to me, don't ya think?  I'm not saying I want to knock someone out, only that I see the irony in watching someone fall.  That's how I felt today.

Today I learned when I will begin my surge testing again.  I know, I wondered what that meant as well.  It's the time your body begins it's ovulation cycle.  The high tech tests they have available nowadays are digital and can remember the first day you turn it on.  If you're still unsure what I'm talking about, it's the little white and purple stick you pee on, and wait for the day it has a "constant" smiley face.  I say constant because with my first experience in July I saw a smiley face, but it was flashing.  The instructions get a bit deceiving since it shows a smiley face, but one with a design around it and yet another by itself.  "What do you do when it blinks?" I asked myself.  Well... That's what the three layers of lines indicate, blinking.

I'm not to this point yet, but it's coming.  For now, it's back to the waiting game.  

I saw some newborn pictures today of twins, a boy and a girl.  It's incredible how emotional you can becoming by looking at some photos.  Photos of two beautiful miracles, born at 3.5 lbs each.  It's funny that a few pictures can touch you in a way you didn't think possible, but it is.

"Something is going to happen today, that has never happened before, and will never happen again."

We're Just Getting Started...

Hello, Again!

Yes, it’s been a while since my last blog.  My only excuse is school, but I think that’s an acceptable one.  Making the decision to take one class this semester was a good one, because so far it’s making this time go by so quickly.  So let’s get back to our journey.

My last blog "YOU CAN DO THIS!!! :)" , mentioned the first injection I gave myself.  This injection was given in the morning for a 3 day span to assist with starting my IVF cycle.  The cycle begins with day 1 of becoming a warrior (I’ve always loved that description), and day 2 consists of another office visit to draw blood and get an ultrasound to check out the lining of the uterus, and make sure there are no cysts present.  If there are, they have to measure them and look into your blood results for any concerns that may deter you from moving forward with egg retrieval.    Let’s stop there for a minute…

I woke up early on the 4^th of August, as I always do during the week (4:30ish).   I was excited, anxious and wishing I had followed through with thoughts of starting a blog to record my experience, because I was about to leave for my “Day 2” appointment.  This was it; I was going in for my first round of blood testing and ultrasounds leading up to my egg retrieval.  I vowed I was going to follow their list of do’s and don’ts for the next few weeks.  No excessive sun exposure, caffeine, alcohol, weight lifting or cardio, light on the meats and so on.  What I didn’t plan for was what I would feel if I didn’t get good results, and that’s exactly what happened.  My wonderful husband came with me to the 15 minute appointment, so he saw them too.  I had two large cysts on my right ovary.  We didn’t panic; we asked questions.  The wonderful girl that was completing the procedure explained the results would be looked over by the doctor, so not to worry or make any assumptions.  She said cysts are more common than anyone realizes, they come and go unnoticed all the time.  I followed suit and didn’t fret, but a few hours later I received the call.  Claudia, bless her heart, relayed the news to me.  Due to the size of the cysts and my estrogen levels I was advised not to go forward with the current cycle, and push it back two months.  Are you kidding me?  I will never forget what it felt like when my stomach sank to the floor.  At that moment I felt hopeless.  I was in a confined hallway at work, surrounded by rows of movable filing cabinets, and dropped onto a stack of cardboard boxes that were piled on one another between two shelves.  I wanted to cry...  I wanted to run away from everything, wondering why this?  Why now?  What else is going to get in my way of giving birth to my own child?

I can't really explain what changed, but when I did leave work and sat in my car, something inside me felt different.  I remember thinking, 'Everything's going to be alright'.  A few hours before that I anticipated the tears running down my face the moment I made it to my car, but that didn't happen.  Before I got too ahead of myself I wanted to make sure that I wasn't bottling everything up, so I started my phone calls.  Of course I called my husband and talked to him more about the news, and you know what?  I didn't cry.  I called our families and said to each of them, "I've already waited 3 years, what's another 2 months?"

When I finally saw my husband I gave him a huge hug and I had a smile on my face.  He looked at me and said he expected me to be really upset.  I said to him obviously my body was telling me it had to be ready, and for whatever the reason it wasn't yet.  We could have tried to go forward with the cycle, but most likely I'd be feeding all the meds right into the cysts, instead of my ovaries.  Then it would have all been for nothing; like I'd be flushing the medication down the toilet.  Instead, I can find the best in the situation and use that to my benefit.  I thought about that morning when I was getting ready for the day thinking, 'I wish I had started a blog.' 

Upon starting this process I searched for discussion boards, blogs and groups that could link me to other women going through a similar situation.  I was looking for that comfort and reassurance I felt I was missing.  I didn’t feel that anyone fully understood what we were going through.  Yes, I have always had great support and optimistic people in my life, but I didn’t know what I was getting myself into, nor did anyone around me.  It was difficult to relay my feelings, thoughts and opinion about going through IVF with my family and friends.  Honestly,  I started keeping my story to myself more often than not and that's what hurt the most.  It's not healthy keeping your emotions bottled up, and I knew if I wrote about it I would begin to heal myself on the inside.  I couldn't find what I was looking for online to fill my void of the unknown, so I thought I would put it out there.  If someone happened upon it and wanted to read it, great.  If not, that too was great.  I was going to tell a story, my story.  If it touches your heart like it has mine, this has been a success!!!  Your story is just as precious and I love hearing them, so thank you!  Now walk with me some more, we're just getting started...