YOU CAN DO THIS!!! :)

Hello again!

I want you to sit back and take a moment to reflect with me.  Can you recall any of the moments in life that just made sense?  Now, have you ever met someone that you knew was doing exactly what they were born to do?  I feel like I have.  Her name is Claudia, she's pictured above between me and my husband, and I'll explain why soon.

Upon deciding to allow Conceptions to assist us with starting a family, Dr. Riggs mentioned we would have a nurse that would be available for us to answer any questions we'd have.  Our nurse would also help write up a plan while going forward with my IVF cycle.  I never imagined I'd meet someone that truly touched my heart.  

My first correspondence with Claudia was the day after sitting across from Dr. Riggs, telling him we were wanting to move forward with In-Vitro Fertilization.  From the moment we spoke I could tell she had a beautiful heart and soul.  I had a feeling she was just as stunning on the outside as she was the inside, and I was right!  It is not everyday you interact with someone that seems so genuine and sincere, let alone with their line of work.  She is just that!  I have never felt so comfortable telling a complete stranger how I'm feeling, discussing personal topics, and asking what seems like the dumbest questions.  Of course to her, there are no dumb questions.  

You all know I've been recording our journey, and yes, I needed to make sure I had a photo with her.  One of the funny things, even though I'd had more blood drawn than most men have in a life time I had not met Claudia.  That's one of the best parts of being a pin cushion, you're in and out in a flash.  I did however have a class that we were attending and I made sure she'd be working.  I asked before we went if she would be willing to take a photo with us, for I was recording everything that happens.  She kindly accepted.

Shortly after attending the class I was due to start my IVF cycle.  The class we attended provided more education for the process, as well as a tutorial on how to properly mix and inject the medications I'd be using.  Talk about a very intimidating moment.  Even though you feel prepared, holding that syringe and pinching your skin is VERY different than injecting a needle into a silicon ball, as we did in class.  The first injection I gave myself took quite a while.  Each time I felt I was going for it, I'd stop short and cringe.  I remember my husband seeming impatient, telling me to just do it.  Finally I did, I stabbed that sucker right into my belly.  What I wasn't prepared for was the aftermath.  I began shaking, crying and dropped the syringe.  My sweet Mr. blue eyes had to cover the needle and dispose of it properly while I was having an anxiety attack.  I couldn't believe what I was feeling.  I knew I was nervous, but I wasn't prepared for the reaction I had.  Shortly after, I emailed Claudia and told her about my experience.  Within the hour she had responded and did what she does best; soothes and calms your nerves.  She was so kind and assured me it will get easier, that her most anxious patients become pros by the time egg retrieval arrives.  This might seem so cliche, but something that stuck out more than anything else in her email was, 'YOU CAN DO THIS!!! :)'  And I did, for the two days following, I did do it!  

I believe this is what she was meant to do!  You can learn to do your job well, but not everyone has that spark and the ability to calm, care for and nurture others as easily as she can.  Especially those going through such an emotional time.  Thank you Claudia, for all that you do!

The Box!

Hello!

Welcome back, back to exploring the unknown with me.  The unknown world of IVF, or at least the one no one ever writes about, until now ;-)!

Let's go back to our time frame.  Our IVF journey will take 12-15 months before we experience our end result; becoming parents.  I remember thinking, 'Wait a minute, isn't 38-40 weeks a healthy pregnancy?'  Yet now I'm hearing it's going to be 48-60 weeks.  What I didn't take into consideration, (again, you don't hear about this in those casual conversations you have) was all the diagnostic testing and hormonal take over that has to happen before your cycle can begin.  The cycle being the 2-3 week period of intense medications to prepare the follicles in your ovaries for mature egg growth, and then egg retrieval.

The days following our last visit with Dr. Riggs I received the supplements they wanted me to start, DHEA and CoQ10.  I went back a few weeks later to have my blood drawn (I told you... Human pin cushion) and it seemed my body was taking to the new substances very well, for my levels rose quicker than anticipated.  The next step was going to be 'taking over my cycle' as my husband referred to it.  The one time I was able to use the ovulation kit without having to hide it, as I had mentioned I did in, Hysterosalpingogram, Wait!! What the ...???.  Once they (being the IVF staff) had my hormone levels where they needed to be and had an idea when ovulation was occurring, I would begin my medications.

Of course before this could begin I had to receive them, right?  And oh man... Did I receive them...

Let's take a moment and reflect, reflect what the purpose of this is going to be.  I want more than anything to be a mom, to raise my children with my best friend by my side.  I want to pick baby names, pick who is going to watch our children for the first time we want to have a romantic dinner out...  I could go on, but I think you get my point.

Now, back to the substance that's taking over my table.  I was at work when I received 'The Box'.  The box that was big enough to fit two cases of wine.  Yes, there were packing materials and a large silver bag with a cold compress for the meds that were meant to be refrigerated, but come on, seriously?  I was in shock, because never in my wildest dreams could I have prepared myself for this.  It was all beginning to make sense.  This is why the little packet of IVF information recommended you try to stay stress free, look into acupuncture and find support groups.  As I mentioned before, I'm already a very emotional person, but once I took an inventory of the contents of the box, I lost it.  I took this picture and sat in a chair with my face in my hands and wept. 

That was the moment all of my emotions came flooding out.  Everything surfaced at once, after trying so hard to be strong.  I was doing what I could to stay away from stress and focus on taking care of me, but it didn't seem it had worked...  All because of The Box!  

I was feeling so sad, angry, disappointed and hopeless.  I knew I needed to talk about it, so I picked up the phone and called my mother.  She didn't say much, but when she did (I don't even remember what she said) everything made sense.  My tears began to fade, and I remembered yet again why I was on this journey.  I wanted to have the chance to help my child make all of the pain go away.  Even if it was just to listen and not say anything at all, only to see a smile or hear the joy in their voice.  That's what mothers do!  

I was signing myself up to become a human pin cushion!

Hello Hello!

Most of us have had conversations or at least listened in on one involving IVF or AI.  I have always mixed up the two thinking Artificial Insemination meant they grow the embryo in a petri dish, and In Vitro meant they used a turkey baster.  Haha, had to use that one!  I wasn't aware that In Vitro means 'In Glass' in Latin.  If I had, I would've known the difference long ago.  Nonetheless, we've heard of them, but to really understand what is involved is entirely different.

It wasn't until the day after our initial consultation with Dr. Riggs that I had a better understanding of the process.  I watched the video that I posted in With a lot of love and a little bit of science, we were going to make a baby!, and gained so much knowledge on infertility and what options are available.

"Infertility 101" presented by Ryan Riggs, M.D.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28d-qfESsMQ

The next meeting we had with Dr. Riggs was to discuss moving forward with In Vitro Fertilization.  What I didn't know was the process was going to be 12-15 months, and I was signing myself up to become a human pin cushion.

Yes, immediately after making the decision to make a baby they wanted blood, and a week after that even more; again in a month.  My veins have become pros to this hostile needle take over!!  I thought that was a lot, until I read through a packet given to me to prepare for what was coming.   I never expected the IVF cycle itself was going to be as intense as it appeared.  I learned that not only was I getting my blood drawn more in 2 months than I had in my lifetime; I was going to be injecting myself on a daily basis for 2-3 weeks.  You've got to be kidding me, right?  Nope!  The cycle involves many medications, most of which are injections.  Some other things this packet mentions to prepare for are extreme ups and downs with emotions.  They have information on group therapy, acupuncture, healthy eating/lifestyles and meditation.  I remember reading the information and getting teary eyed, wondering what am I getting myself into?  These are not things you imagine would be involved. 

I'll be honest, I'm a very emotional person to begin with.  Seriously, I've had commercials bring tears to my eyes.  Sometimes it's like I've turned on the water works, so as you can imagine I was pretty shaken up about this.  But I knew it's something I have to do.  It's going to be nothing compared to child birth... nothing to compared to child birth!!  

Where Did I Come From?

Hello Again!

I knew the moment we decided to take this journey that I wanted to record every moment of it, and it is possible with all of the technology available at our fingertips.  Not just on paper, but video, pictures and the internet.  The day we met Dr. Riggs and chose With a lot of love and a little bit of science, we were going to make a baby!, I also decided it was time to start documenting everything!  My husband and I recorded our first video, and all I keep thinking about is that little question that I know we'll be asked one day, "Where did I come from?"  I want to be able to answer that question easily.  It's not everyday a parent can look at their children with a straight face and tell the truth, but we'll be able to...  And I can't wait!  I remember asking my parents that very question when I was in second grade, and they had a clever way of answering it; by showing me a little movie.  Can you guess it???  You got it!  Where did I come from, narrated by Howie Mandel. 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYkmbaYG0iE 

If you know me, you'll also know I can be a little anal when it comes to being organized.  Within a few days I had what I call my IVF bible.  I carry this sucker around with me EVERYWHERE, and I mean everywhere.  As you can see I have it all, any information you want to know regarding IVF.  I keep with me all of our receipts, invoices, paid of course ;-), my calendar and all email correspondence with my favorite IVF nurse, Claudia!  She's my Knightress in Shining Armor!  I don't think that's a word, but it is today.  You'll meet her later on in our journey, but I had to give her a shout out for now.

I went to the doctor a few days before I started blogging due to a virus, and the receptionist said, 'It's gotta suck being sick and having to do homework.'  I looked at her and chuckled saying it wasn't homework, it was my IVF bible.  She started laughing and of course went into a story of how her sister-in-law went through two cycles before getting pregnant with triplets...  It's quite amusing to me, the number of people you meet once you decide to do In Vetro Fertilization that have gone through it themselves, know someone that has, or are an IVF baby themselves.  Yes, the day I made the choice to focus on me and take a semester off from school, the young lady I met in that class told me she was an IVF baby and had a twin brother.  Her mother had gone through 3 IVF cycles before getting pregnant with her and her brother.  I gotta say, it's odd having people ask me that question,  'What cycle are you on?'  I answer it the same every time, 'I'm on my first, and last.'  It's going to work for me!

http://www.conceptionsrepro.com

With a lot of love and a little bit of science, we were going to make a baby!

Hello!

You may be wondering why I'm willing to share such a personal story.  My husband asked me the same question, but after I read to him my first blog and he saw the smile it put on my face, I could tell he stopped wondering.  Now after I said, "I'm going to share this with my friends and family", he got that nervous look on his face.  Of course that was after he found out what the title was going to be on my first blog, Baby Makin Time, Sexy Time, IVF Time!.  That anxiety quickly faded when I told him stories of how I've touched someone.  Not just me, but even for a split moment I was able to bring a moment of calm to someone other than myself.  I said, "Listen to some of the comments I'm getting, not just on the blog but in person, over personal messaging on Facebook".  That's why, that is the reason I'm sharing my journey.  I know that writing my feelings, my experiences is a way for me to release those pent up emotions, but if I could touch even one person that was enough reason for me.  I've done that, with only a few days into writing, I've done exactly that.  If my comments were to stop, the audience were to fade away, I'd still be happy.  The love and support I have from those around me, from complete strangers is enough reason to keep this going.  So... Thank you!  Thank you all for walking with me, for sharing your own stories and fears.  It means more than you know!

Finally that day came!  The day my husband and I were to sit across from a fertility Dr. to discuss our concerns, my questions (or to at least confirm my fears).  I had been waiting for that moment for years, and there we were.  Mr. blue eyes was more vocal and excited than I was, how could that be?  We listened as the doctor, Dr. Riggs explain some options; some background and then the results.  That little white bag had concerned me.  3 tests, 3 results.  Count... Mobility...  Morphology.  Morphology you ask?  The size and shape of the little swimmers.  Count was awesome, mobility was perfect, but the morphology not so great.  I got scared and wondered how my husband was doing, but then the doc said it, 'I'm not concerned with that at all'.  No?  Seemed a bit strange, but we continued to listen.  It only takes one.  There it is, just like sitting in Sex Ed; it only takes one sperm and one egg.  In my head I'm thinking... yea, exactly.  All we need is one, and nothin's happened.  

Seems we were the primary candidates for IVF, In vitro Fertilization.  In vitro, meaning 'in glass'; in vitro fertilization, process by which an egg is fertilized by sperm outside of the body.  Dr. Riggs educated us on the process and mentioned the first IVF patient also had tubal disease.  This helps us bypass my tubes and our swimmer issues.  I will never forget how nervous I became, because I thought for sure Mr. blue eyes would say no, but to my surprise he's sitting there nodding his head and agreeing with everything Riggs is saying.  We left the consult, knowing we had a lot to talk about.  But after a short amount of time we were shaking hands in agreement that we were doing it, we were going for it.  With a lot of love and a little bit of science, we were going to make a baby!

"Infertility 101" presented by Ryan Riggs, M.D.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28d-qfESsMQ

Wait a second. Don't they have a commercial?

Happy Friday!

I'm sitting on my patio under a partially clouded sky, with one of my puppies on my lap and a smirk on my face.  She's sniffing me funny.  She doesn't know what to think about this god awful stench coming off my arms.  It's DEET!  Damn mosquitos have to ruin my puppy time.  They'll get over it I'm sure, but really it's just too beautiful out right now and I can't pass on this opportunity to take a moment and write a little.  So take a seat and come along with me.

Have you ever seen the movie Sliding Doors, with Gwyneth Paltrow?  I was just thinking about how things in life happen for a reason.  Come on, we've all thought about it.  What if I had caught the train?
For me it's, 'What if I hadn't gone to the hospital?',  'What if I hadn't changed jobs?',  'What if I didn't move back to Colorado?',  What if...  

I have driven myself insane thinking about this, and I've grown to realize and accept that things just happen because they happen.  I don't want to think any longer about what would have happened if I didn't move, if I hadn't changed jobs, or if I had just taken the blue pill.  (I had to slip that one in, and if you don't know where it's from you need to WAKE UP!)

Why???  Now that's another question.  I have had a really difficult time with that one, but you know what?  I'm over it.  No, really I am.  I can't change anything that's happened, it's done, it's over, and you know what?  Because of it, I'm ME!  I kinda like me, as I should and as you should like you too!

Back to my journey...  About 6 months ago I decided to see a new Dr.  Yes, a real Dr. (well for my woman parts, that is)  I left and felt so good about my experience, not just because I really connected with her, but because I was walking out with a baggy.  You're thinking a baggy???  Yes, a little white paper bag.  And guess what was inside...  You got it, a plastic jar, a business card and stock paper with instructions on how to get those little tad poles to a lab, and quick. Haha! 

We decided it was time.  Time for my Mr. blue eyes to get his swimmers checked out, so no 'Sexy Time' for 5 days to get 'em all pumped up and ready for the show.  Never did I guess we'd be sending them to a familiar name.  When I looked at the business card I knew I had heard the name before and my first question was, 'Wait a second, don't they have a commercial?'
                                        Conceptions  http://www.conceptionsrepro.com

Hysterosalpingogram, Wait!! What the ...???

Hello, again!

I'm glad you're back, and ready to go on this amazing ride with me.  Sit back, relax and just remember... be patient.  That's my #1 rule, and it's taken me a long time to realize, but it's true and soon you'll understand why.  I have not been as upbeat as you're probably thinking I'm being, but i'm realizing I have to be.  This isn't easy and the only way to get to the finish line is to be as positive as I can be, and believe.  Believe I can do this, and I want you to believe too. 

The journey I've been on up to today has not been easy, as I'm sure you know.  It's not just the disappointment I've felt each time I would start my period, or watch my friends and neighbors get a positive sign on a stick telling them, 'Yep.  You did it, you made a baby!'  Not the comments I mentioned last time where everyone you know and love trying to tell you not to worry.  Trust me, those are all reason's it's been difficult, but my biggest struggle has been ME.  If you're experiencing this too, you know I'm right.  You are your own worst enemy, and it's up to ME to change that.

I learned a lot the first year, a lot of what NOT to do, lol.  First of all, do not forget about the person trying to help you get there.  Oh man, let me tell you what, they know what's going on.  They get it, all we want is to be a mom, but make sure you remember them.  'Sexy Time' became 'no time'.  Don't get me wrong, we tried... we tried a lot.  After months of my emotions riding the Crazy Train, sneaking ovulation tests, yes sneaking.  Ok, wait I have to tell this one.  About 7 or 8 months after the wedding, I said I was going to try an ovulation kit, but my husband said no.  He didn't want a stick telling him when he should and shouldn't be trying for 'Baby Makin Time', and I didn't know if we were shooting for the right time or not.  Well, I decided if I didn't tell him I was doing it, he wouldn't know the difference.  Ha!!  After waking up early everyday for a week just waiting for that smiley face to show up... it finally did.  I couldn't keep myself together and blew my cover, lol.  Yea, didn't go over to well and yep, missed that special moment.  Now back to my point, after months I realized I needed to remember who I was affecting.  It wasn't just me, but my best friend too.  So with the first year almost over, I thought maybe I need to take the advice I was given, and stop TRYING.  

You know it's funny, if you really think about it.  If you stop trying, you will not get pregnant.  Really! Think about it.  Ok, now if you stop "trying" as in peeing on a stick or counting your days, maybe it'll just happen.  So there we were, a year later and nada.  

Let's take a quick dip back in time 14 years...  I was married before, yes I know I should have mentioned that, but it was long ago.  One of the permanent outcomes from that time in my life is a 3 inch scar on the bottom of my abdomen, from the result of surgery after having an ectopic pregnancy "Tubal Pregnancy" on my 19th birthday.  I know what you're thinking, Happy Birthday to me, right?  Well, I knew one day that may bite me in the butt and sure enough, it did.  I ended up getting a test called Hysterosalpingogram.  Wait, huh?  A whata funamuna???? Just kidding, it's one of those unknown medical terms, more commonly known as an HSG test.  It's an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them.  Happens to be one of the most uncomfortable tests I've ever experienced.  Doesn't help when they have to send in a Doc to move your organs around to get it to work.  Yes you read that right, MOVE my ORGANS!!!  (Funky case of the 'tilted' uterus) I don't know how they did it, but I can tell you I never want to experience that ever again, but wait, I do...  Uh, anyway it confirmed that my right tube was blocked, so now we know we're back to one year, let me explain.  If we've been trying for two years and now we find out that only one tube is open for that little egg to make it's way to the pool; really it's only been a year.  Doctors will tell you that you will ovulate from one ovary each month, so it's like were shooting blanks every other month.

It had been two years, well actually "one" and my lovely hubby wanted to keep trying on our own.  Of course it had only been half the time in his eyes, so he was back to being excited for "Baby Makin Time" ALL the time!!! ...