I Was Devastated!

Hello, again,

I am not to sure how to start this blog.  It's been on my mind a lot over the last few days, but I wasn't sure how to approach this, so here we go . . .

If you haven't read my last blog, received a phone call from my husband, or my mother you may not know.  Our IVF attempt was not a success.  I received a call Tuesday around lunch time from the embryologist at Conceptions saying the embryos did not form to the blastocyst that we were expecting.  They were "stuck" in the stage I mentioned in On To Day 6.

I was devastated! 

I can't fully recall what was running through my mind except that I needed to leave.  I was already crying at my desk.  By the time I got my purse, locked my drawers and sent a message to my boss, I put myself together enough to make it to my car to call my husband.  He left early that morning for a business trip for 3 days so he wasn't going to be home.  I remembered thinking how difficult the next few days were going to be, knowing he was not going to be here. . .   Needless to say, I lost it when I heard his voice.  I had a hard time catching my breath as I was sobbing uncontrollably.  He did his best to try and get me to calm down, but he was feeling it too.  He knew I needed to just let go.  I can't say what he was feeling for sure, but I know he was as surprised and caught off guard as I was.

All I wanted was to get home, log in to my computer and work from home.  I wanted nothing to do with anyone.  I knew I was going to get texts, phone calls and emails asking for an update, so I'll be honest... I did NOT want to talk to anyone or see anyone.  I had to let one of my best friends know I didn't want her coming over, I just needed to be alone.  I have avoided conversation, confrontation and questions for the past 6 days, and I want everyone to know I am sorry.  Please do not take it personally, I have not been able to discuss the events that have taken place.  I have had to accept the feelings and the loss from this experience.  It is going to take time, so just bare with me.

I have received cards, flowers and an edible arrangement, and would like to thank you, thank you all!

We don't know what is next for us on this journey, but it is not over.

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

STOP

Stop putting your elbows at your waist, palms face up in the air with your eyebrows raised asking soooo??!?   It didn't happen.  No embryos, no baby!

STOP!

When you stop trying you'll get pregnant.  News Flash!!!  When you stop trying, you WILL NOT get pregnant.

STOP!!

Stop telling me to be patient!  I have been . . .

STOP!!!

Stop saying, "Just relax, It'll happen."  It would have by now.

STOP!!!!

Stop comparing your story to mine!  It's not the same.

STOP!!!!!

Stop looking at me like you pity me!  I don't want your pity.

STOP!!!!!!

Stop telling me to gain weight!  I have, and nothing.  Not even a healthy egg.  Not one . . .

STOP!!!!!!!

Stop saying you're sorry!  So am I . . . 

STOP!!!!!!!!

Stop mentioning how you're sick of women saying they're infertile.  I am, so go fuck yourself!

STOP!!!!!!!!!

Stop giving me advise on how to get pregnant, like keeping my legs in the air for 15 minutes.  I've tried! No baby.

STOP!!!!!!!!!!

Stop asking if we've thought of adoption! I mean, come on. . .

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop parading around your perfect little family, and the next one on the way.  And the one after that, and after that. . .  Like it doesn't hurt already.

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop saying, "Wait until you have children." Bitch, all I do is wait!

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop apologizing, stop trying to make it better, and stop saying anything!  Right now I just need to feel my pain and it's OK.  I will get through this . . .

On To Day 6!

Hello, again!

First off, I once again want to thank everyone for the love and support. I am blown away by the number of people that are really cheering us on, and sending their thoughts and well wishes.  As I mentioned in my first blog, Baby Makin Time, Sexy Time, IVF Time!, I am surrounded by love, and I felt that more in the last week than I ever expected.  I have received so many messages from family and friends awaiting the news, or an update on this blog for day 5.  If I haven't personally reached out to you, please be patient with me.  This entire experience has been such a roller coaster ride of emotions.  Not only for me, but my husband too.

It's day 5!  When I received the call on day 1, it was just before 8:00am, so I wasn't sure what my timeline was on day 3.  But by the time I went to sleep that night I felt a sense of calm...  No news, meant good news. . .

After attempting to stay relaxed and finding things to keep myself busy over the weekend, I wasn't prepared for the wait I had to take today.  It wasn't until 3:30 this afternoon that I got the call from the embryologist at Conceptions.  Well, it looks like we have to extend this growth to day 6.  You may be thinking what I initially thought, huh day 6?  Upon reviewing the monthly newsletter from Conceptions, sometimes it takes 6 days before the embryo reaches its blastocyst stage of development.  The call I received today confirmed that.  The embryologist told me anything can happen overnight, but for now this is our update.  One embryo may not be developing correctly.  They are not seeing the parts to the embryo that are key for the fetus and placenta.  The second is in early blastocyst stage, and she sounded confident this embryo will be ready for biopsy tomorrow.  The third is showing progression as though its day 4, not 5.  I was told that in some instances when the embryos are taken out of their artificial environment and carried to the microscope, that the little amount of time outside of the incubator can assist with pushing to the next stage.  With that said, it's time for bed.  Tomorrow is a new day.

Something is going to happen today that has never happened before and will never happen again!