I Was Devastated!

Hello, again,

I am not to sure how to start this blog.  It's been on my mind a lot over the last few days, but I wasn't sure how to approach this, so here we go . . .

If you haven't read my last blog, received a phone call from my husband, or my mother you may not know.  Our IVF attempt was not a success.  I received a call Tuesday around lunch time from the embryologist at Conceptions saying the embryos did not form to the blastocyst that we were expecting.  They were "stuck" in the stage I mentioned in On To Day 6.

I was devastated! 

I can't fully recall what was running through my mind except that I needed to leave.  I was already crying at my desk.  By the time I got my purse, locked my drawers and sent a message to my boss, I put myself together enough to make it to my car to call my husband.  He left early that morning for a business trip for 3 days so he wasn't going to be home.  I remembered thinking how difficult the next few days were going to be, knowing he was not going to be here. . .   Needless to say, I lost it when I heard his voice.  I had a hard time catching my breath as I was sobbing uncontrollably.  He did his best to try and get me to calm down, but he was feeling it too.  He knew I needed to just let go.  I can't say what he was feeling for sure, but I know he was as surprised and caught off guard as I was.

All I wanted was to get home, log in to my computer and work from home.  I wanted nothing to do with anyone.  I knew I was going to get texts, phone calls and emails asking for an update, so I'll be honest... I did NOT want to talk to anyone or see anyone.  I had to let one of my best friends know I didn't want her coming over, I just needed to be alone.  I have avoided conversation, confrontation and questions for the past 6 days, and I want everyone to know I am sorry.  Please do not take it personally, I have not been able to discuss the events that have taken place.  I have had to accept the feelings and the loss from this experience.  It is going to take time, so just bare with me.

I have received cards, flowers and an edible arrangement, and would like to thank you, thank you all!

We don't know what is next for us on this journey, but it is not over.

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

STOP

Stop putting your elbows at your waist, palms face up in the air with your eyebrows raised asking soooo??!?   It didn't happen.  No embryos, no baby!

STOP!

When you stop trying you'll get pregnant.  News Flash!!!  When you stop trying, you WILL NOT get pregnant.

STOP!!

Stop telling me to be patient!  I have been . . .

STOP!!!

Stop saying, "Just relax, It'll happen."  It would have by now.

STOP!!!!

Stop comparing your story to mine!  It's not the same.

STOP!!!!!

Stop looking at me like you pity me!  I don't want your pity.

STOP!!!!!!

Stop telling me to gain weight!  I have, and nothing.  Not even a healthy egg.  Not one . . .

STOP!!!!!!!

Stop saying you're sorry!  So am I . . . 

STOP!!!!!!!!

Stop mentioning how you're sick of women saying they're infertile.  I am, so go fuck yourself!

STOP!!!!!!!!!

Stop giving me advise on how to get pregnant, like keeping my legs in the air for 15 minutes.  I've tried! No baby.

STOP!!!!!!!!!!

Stop asking if we've thought of adoption! I mean, come on. . .

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop parading around your perfect little family, and the next one on the way.  And the one after that, and after that. . .  Like it doesn't hurt already.

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop saying, "Wait until you have children." Bitch, all I do is wait!

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop apologizing, stop trying to make it better, and stop saying anything!  Right now I just need to feel my pain and it's OK.  I will get through this . . .

On To Day 6!

Hello, again!

First off, I once again want to thank everyone for the love and support. I am blown away by the number of people that are really cheering us on, and sending their thoughts and well wishes.  As I mentioned in my first blog, Baby Makin Time, Sexy Time, IVF Time!, I am surrounded by love, and I felt that more in the last week than I ever expected.  I have received so many messages from family and friends awaiting the news, or an update on this blog for day 5.  If I haven't personally reached out to you, please be patient with me.  This entire experience has been such a roller coaster ride of emotions.  Not only for me, but my husband too.

It's day 5!  When I received the call on day 1, it was just before 8:00am, so I wasn't sure what my timeline was on day 3.  But by the time I went to sleep that night I felt a sense of calm...  No news, meant good news. . .

After attempting to stay relaxed and finding things to keep myself busy over the weekend, I wasn't prepared for the wait I had to take today.  It wasn't until 3:30 this afternoon that I got the call from the embryologist at Conceptions.  Well, it looks like we have to extend this growth to day 6.  You may be thinking what I initially thought, huh day 6?  Upon reviewing the monthly newsletter from Conceptions, sometimes it takes 6 days before the embryo reaches its blastocyst stage of development.  The call I received today confirmed that.  The embryologist told me anything can happen overnight, but for now this is our update.  One embryo may not be developing correctly.  They are not seeing the parts to the embryo that are key for the fetus and placenta.  The second is in early blastocyst stage, and she sounded confident this embryo will be ready for biopsy tomorrow.  The third is showing progression as though its day 4, not 5.  I was told that in some instances when the embryos are taken out of their artificial environment and carried to the microscope, that the little amount of time outside of the incubator can assist with pushing to the next stage.  With that said, it's time for bed.  Tomorrow is a new day.

Something is going to happen today that has never happened before and will never happen again!

It's day 1!

Hello, Hello!

It's day 1!  Yes, we're back to numbering each day.  Only this time it's not my IVF cycle, it's day 1 of the embryo cycle.

Yesterday I woke up, jumped in the shower, brushed my teeth and braided my hair.  I was ready within 20 minutes and I don't think that has ever happened before.  I never realized how quickly you can get ready if you don't put on makeup.  Of course I couldn't put on makeup, I was going in for my egg retrieval.  No makeup, perfume or anything that has a fragrance.  I had to keep reminding myself not to drink anything, because I kept going for the cupboard to get a glass for water, lol.  No food or drink after midnight, and I had a hearty meal before bed as instructed.  The drive to Conceptions was long and I kept looking at myself in the mirror.  We laughed because Mr. Blue Eyes reminded me of the months I went before exposing my natural skin to him, makeup free.  And there we were, driving down the highway before the sun was up and cracking up at how funny looking I was.

We got to conceptions early so we avoided missing my check in.  Check in time was 8:00am and retrieval was scheduled for 8:30am.  Our anesthesiologist Mr. Andrew Higgins M.D. greeted us open heartedly.  He sat with us for a few minutes talking about calculus and how much he hated it.  If you know us, you'll understand how that came up in a conversation.  We paid the man, I hugged and kissed my husband and I followed Higgins to my room.  The room was so welcoming, not the stuffy hospital room you would picture with surgery.  There were two oversized leather chairs, end tables and the "hospital" bed had a wood head and foot board.  Anyway, very cozy.  They brought a heater in for me since it was a bit chilly and the nurses wanted to ensure I was warm coming out from the retrieval.  

Once I changed in the gown (open in the back), Dr. Higgins brought me into the operation room.  I had to put the open in the back, because Higgins said if I had it open in the front we'd be meeting with the psych team, lol.  Anyway, bad joke.  I jumped onto the bed and covered myself with a blanket.  There were little vials (just like the ones from chemistry class) on a tray, an ultrasound machine, a cabinet FULL of drugs and a lot of other monitors and gadgets that I have never seen before.  I talked with Higgins and a nurse that was setting up about the beer festival that comes to Colorado once a year, wine country, and a dream I had a few days prior.  I told the story of a little girl that conducted my egg retrieval while I was wide awake, or at least I think I was awake.  I remember watching her from different angles, so I'd only assume.  Anyway, I said she was able to retrieve 7 eggs and that 5 would end up being mature.  Of course the nurse got a kick out of that dream, and commented on all the pink I was wearing.  Hmmm...  Right after the description of my dream I looked in the hallway and saw Claudia!  She peeked her head into the room to say hi.  She asked if I had taken pictures (of course I had) and said you've got this Nikki!

Soon after, Dr. Swanson (another doctor within the practice at Conceptions) walked in and introduced himself.  At that point they said ok it's time, and I looked to my left as Higgins was injecting a white substance into my IV, and then the room started spinning like I had a little to much to drink.  The next thing I remember is hearing someone tell me to wake up and I saw my best friend.  He was kissing my forehead, telling me how proud of me he was and asked how I was feeling.  Apparently I cried a little and became very talkative and complimentary.  I told the nurse how pretty she was and then wouldn't stop blabbing!  I was thirsty, oh man was I thirsty.  Finally she asked if we knew how many eggs they retrieved, and we answered no.  She said they got 7, and mentioned that she heard about the dream I had . . .  Oh my, was that a number I wanted to hear.  Lucky number 7!

Only a few minutes awake, and had to give a thumbs up!

It wouldn't be until later that day that we were told 4 of the 7 were mature eggs.  Today, Day 1, I got a call from the embryologist that 3 of the 4 eggs fertilized.  Right now the three that fertilized are called Zygotes.  On day three they turn into an eight cell embryo.  Day 5 is imperative, that's when they become Blastocysts (they are ready for transfer).  We will not be doing a day five transfer as some couples have opted to do.  We will be taking one single cell from each embryo, and then freeze them until we are ready for transfer.  The single cell will be sent to a lab to complete PGD (Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis) testing.  We'll get into this at another time.  

All I know is the next 4 days are going to be some of the longest days of my life.  Please keep your good thoughts and prayers coming my way.  They have been so powerful, thank you all!!!

It's Trigger Time!

Hello, Hello!

It's trigger time!  Wednesday morning at 8:30am will be my egg retrieval.  

Trigger is in the Gluteal Muscle

Please send your thoughts and prayers, we're going to need them.  Right now there may be six follicles to retrieve from, and two of them are already over matured, which leaves only four.  The doctor called me today and said even though there are follicles, he can't guarantee there are eggs.  That's why I'd like your thoughts and prayer over the next few days.  We've come this far, and I will not give up hope.  This IS going to happen!

My final night of injections!

I'm an Emotional Wreck!

Hello, again!

Ok so here we are, it's day 10 of my IVF cycle.  I thought I was tired, bloated, and soar a few days ago, but that day was nothing like today.  I'm an emotional wreck!  I have bruises on the inside of both elbows from the blood I have given every morning for the last 5 days.  My lower abdomen is tender to the touch, so I can't wear jeans and I'm running out of dresses to wear to work.  And honestly...  Anything can make me cry.  

Here I sit, a Saturday night, only minutes from giving myself 3 injections, yes, 3!  I woke up this morning at 6:00am to prepare the injections of Menopur, Saizen and Ganirelix.  We left at 6:45am and drove to the Littleton office of Conceptions for my daily ultrasound and blood work.  When we got home we napped for a few hours to try and catch up on some much needed sleep.  When we woke, Mr Blue Eyes left for a football game, and I stayed home to wait for my first refill to arrive.  When it arrived Sloan didn't know what to think...

The dreaded Box!

A few hours ago I got a call that the doctor wants me to add Ganirelix to my nightly injections.  I only have one, so tomorrow morning I have to get another from Conceptions, and thank god they keep a stash for emergencies.  Just incase you missed my last blog, or forgot all together, Ganirelix is the medication I'm taking to stop my body from ovulating.  I have two "leading" follicles that have reached pretty large sizes.  There is a grouping of five follicles that are trailing behind that we're trying to get to catch up, but in the meantime we are trying to save the larger follicles if possible and the Ganirelix should help.

The is the printout from today's ultrasound.

A few days ago we were instructed that Dr. Riggs wanted to meet with us to discuss the "what's next" in our journey.  There was a moment he was unsure on whether or not to advise us to continue my IVF cycle or look at the option of IUI.  IUI a.k.a. artificial insemination, was on the table for discussion as my follicle count was low as well as the sizes.  Of course the thought of this was not in our minds, as we went straight to IVF to avoid my tubes and any chance of another ectopic pregnancy.  The discussion was fairly quick, because by the time we sat down with our doctor the group of follicles trailing behind the leading two had grown to an optimistic size.  Dr. Riggs gave us the option, but his opinion was to continue my cycle and of course we both agreed.  We have made it this far and we did not want to give up.  We both felt with time and the right dosing of medication the grouping would get to where they need to be for a successful egg retrieval. 

Tomorrow morning we go in again for the next round of tests, and this time I predict I will be advised to take my trigger shot tomorrow night.  The trigger is injected 36 hours before egg retrieval and it's very critical it's taken at the precise moment they tell you to.  This is the final step in preparing my eggs for maturity.  I believe I currently have 5-6 follicles they are hoping to get eggs from.  Now as the doctor mentioned to us the other day, the larger follicles may be (in non-medical terms) over cooked, but hopefully the remaining follicles will produce mature eggs.  

Only a few more days to go before it's time!!!

I'm Not Riding the Crazy Train

Hello, Hello!

Oh my God, I am sooooo tired.  I'm not sure if it's the hormones or the lack of caffeine. It's been a week since I've had coffee, so at this point I think it's the hormones.  My belly is bloated, my arms have bruises and I have over a dozen holes in my stomach. According to my husband I'm not riding the crazy train like he was expecting, but I sure feel like I am.

Here we are on day 7 and let me tell you what...  I thought I was a human pin cushion before, whoa was I wrong.  This morning I gave myself 3 injections, Menapur, Saizen, and Ganirelix and I'm just about to get my evening dose of Gonal-F.  Not to mention the blood I gave this morning, but we'll get back to that. 

I want to make a shout out to my husband, Mr. Blue Eyes.  What a wonderful man he is!  He has been with me every step of the way, and wants to be as involved as he can.  He kept asking if he could give me an injection, and even though I get anxious giving it to myself I was hesitant to let him do it.  Well, two days ago I gave him his wish, I let him give me my evening injection.  What I couldn't believe was that I didn't feel the needle, but I sure felt the liquid invading my body.  I was so proud of him, and I'm so lucky that he wants to be involved in everything without me asking him to be.  Thank you sweetheart!

Ok, so back to my journey...  Yesterday morning I went in for my day 6 blood work and ultrasound.  This was the first of many mornings to observe the progress of the meds I'm injecting into my body.  The goal is to get 16 follicles that are at least 16mm a piece.  The minimum needed in order to proceed with the egg retrieval is 4 follicles at 16mm or larger.   Day 6 my right ovary had 2 follicles measuring at 6mm and 8mm, and my left had 3 measuring 7mm, 12mm, and 13mm.  After receiving more information about what we want to see, I'd say things were looking good.  Today is day 7, and again we went in for blood work and ultrasound.  The results, right ovary 3 follicles at 4mm, 8mm, 9mm, and the left with 4 follicles at 8mm, 9mm, 16mm, and 16mm.  All right, so far so good!!!

To ensure I don't ovulate I began a morning injection of Ganirelix.  This will help keep everything in place (stops ovulation) and allow more growth and maturity.  My dosage of Gonal-F was increased a bit to see if we can get more follicles to grow, but other than that everything will stay the same.  I go in tomorrow for the same thing, and at this point we're still anticipating a retrieval on the 29th or 30th.  

Thank you to everyone for the well wishes, prayers and thoughts.  Knowing I have so many people eager to walk with me on my journey means the world to me.  It helps keep my somewhat sane going down this path, so here we go...